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10 Conversations to Have with Your Fiance Before Getting Married

Samantha Szapor June 07, 2017

We've been forewarned since we were kids that half of all marriages end in divorce. Surprisingly enough, researchers have found that the rate of divorce in the U.S. has dropped for the third year in a row, reaching its lowest point in 40 years. Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship. Act as your own premarital counselors and make the effort to have the tough talks. If not now - then when?

1. Kids

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Savanah Loftus Photography }

Do you want kids? How many? Are you open to adoption if it's necessary? If this conversation has not come up already throughout your relationship, now is the time to have it. It's important to not only discuss if you would like to have children and how many you would like to have openly, but also about your preferred way of parenting if you do decide to have little ones. Save the fights later down the road, and walk into marriage on the same page with how you want to raise your kids.

2. Family Ties

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Bridal Moments Photography }

Standing together as a united front when it comes to both sides of your family strengthens your ability to trust, respect, and love each other on a deeper level. Learning to blend families and balance quality time evenly is a challenge for many as they embark on their first chapter as a married couple. Discuss potential obstacles that may be on your mind so they are out in the open from the beginning, and work together to see eye to eye on these important topics. For many, family is considered a safe haven defined by commitment and love, show each other that you respect family relationships and are willing to blend with loved ones. After all, it takes a village to create and sustain a strong marriage.

3. Future Goals

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Diana Flores Photography }

After getting engaged, you're excited and energized about your future together. Love is in the air, and the sky is the limit for you love birds. But what about three, five, and ten years from now? What does retirement look like? Remember to think about each other's goals as individuals, and not only your goals as a couple. According to Kristin Davin, a New York City-based psychologist and divorce mediator, autonomy is an important element in a relationship, and each person should encourage and support the other's interests without feeling threatened by them.

4. Money Talks

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Sanavah Loftus Photography }

Take it from a psychologist and a marriage and family therapist, married since 1984, conflict is inevitable in marriage and learning how to fight a good fight is key. One out of the five biggest areas of conflict for couples is money. Learning how to talk about such stressors with a sense of love and fairness early on will set you ahead of the game. Deciding on if you'll establish joint accounts or keep your accounts separate, how you will save and invest, and the level of dedication you will put forward in contributing to the household income will have great impacts on the stress you will carry when it comes to money.

5. What's Your Love Language?

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Defining 78 }

Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor for over 30 years, believes unhappiness in marriage often stems from a simple root cause that we speak different love languages. He identified 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Take the 5 Love Languages® official assessment for free here to discover your love language, what it means, and how you can use it to strengthen your relationship.

6. Household Duties and Living Habits

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Savanah Loftus Photography }

What makes a marriage work? According to a Pew Research Center survey of American adults, sharing household chores ranks third out of nine key factors associated with a successful marriage. Hold on, fellas. Before you flip the page and ditch the dish cloth, consider this study that found when men chip in at home, couples have better and more frequent sex. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and it takes more than love at first sight and chemistry to make it work. Talk openly on what you admire about each other, what grinds your gears, and refrain from using the words "never" and "always."

7. Faith and Values

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Bridal Moments Photography }

If you come from different religious backgrounds, this might be a topic you may avoid or that causes tension right out of the gate. Couples are more likely to experience conflict when it comes to religious traditions and affiliations when children are added to the mix, which reiterates the importance of talking through your expectations before getting married. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays as a family? Remember that avoiding conflict is the worst thing you can do for your relationship.

8. Communication Style and Boundaries

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Seasons Photo Studio }

Did you grow up in a household where small fights on a regular basis were common, or space and time was given when there were disagreements? Do you handle heavy conversations with direct and assertive communication or with a timid and passive approach? Whatever your communication and argument style is, talk about what's acceptable behavior and what's completely out of bounds, and meet in the middle to accommodate each other's needs.

9. Career Goals

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Seasons Photo Studio }

Career goals change over time, and depending on how long you've been together or the age you were when you met inevitably determines the depth and scope of this conversation. Maybe you and your soon-to-be spouse already make decisions with each other's hopes, dreams, and career goals in mind, or maybe you have never considered the conversation at all. It's important to communicate how you see your career evolving over time, how it may or may not change when kids are a part of the picture, and how this will relate to one of the biggest areas that causes conflict; money.

10. Cultural Similarities and Differences

Whether you are newly engaged or getting married in the next few weeks, it is never too early or too late to talk with your soon-to-be spouse about hot topics that will either make or break your relationship.

{ Photo by Seasons Photo Studio }

Thanks to enhanced levels of cultural awareness and tolerance through globalization and the world wide web, intercultural marriages are at an all-time high. Like any other marriage that is taking two different people from different backgrounds and joining them together for a lifetime of commitment and wedded bliss, intercultural marriages bring their very own unique challenges. If you are entering into an intercultural marriage it's safe to say you have already immersed yourself in your partner's culture, and have shown unwavering understanding and respect toward your differences. Spend time with your future in-laws to make sure you feel comfortable integrating ethnically different families, beliefs, and cultural heritage. Love conquers all, and a whole lot of understanding and a dash of laughter will go a long way.

Samantha Szapor June 07, 2017